Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

Last updated: Jul 28, 2023

Summary of Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is a groundbreaking book that explores the science of female sexuality and provides practical advice for women to embrace and enhance their sexual well-being. Nagoski, a sex educator and researcher, challenges societal myths and misconceptions about women's sexuality and offers a refreshing perspective on how women can understand and embrace their unique desires.

The book begins by debunking the notion of "normal" sexuality and emphasizes that every woman's experience is valid and unique. Nagoski explains the dual control model of sexual response, which suggests that women have both an accelerator and a brake for their sexual desire. Understanding these mechanisms can help women navigate their own sexual experiences and communicate their needs effectively.

Nagoski delves into the complexities of desire, arousal, and orgasm, providing scientific explanations and practical tips for women to enhance their sexual experiences. She emphasizes the importance of context, including stress, body image, and relationship dynamics, in shaping women's sexual responses. By addressing these factors, women can create a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual life.

The book also explores the impact of cultural and societal influences on women's sexuality, including the pervasive influence of media and the pressure to conform to unrealistic standards. Nagoski encourages women to embrace their own unique desires and preferences, rather than trying to fit into societal expectations.

Furthermore, Nagoski addresses common sexual concerns and challenges, such as low desire, pain during sex, and body image issues. She provides practical strategies and exercises for women to overcome these obstacles and cultivate a positive and fulfilling sexual life.

Throughout the book, Nagoski emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, self-acceptance, and open communication in fostering a healthy sexual relationship with oneself and with partners. She encourages women to prioritize their own pleasure and well-being, and provides guidance on how to navigate sexual relationships with empathy and understanding.

Come as You Are is a comprehensive and empowering guide that challenges societal norms and provides women with the knowledge and tools to embrace their own unique sexuality. Nagoski's compassionate and evidence-based approach makes this book a valuable resource for women of all ages and backgrounds.

1. Understanding the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response is a framework that helps us understand how sexual desire and arousal work. According to this model, there are two main systems at play: the sexual excitation system (SES) and the sexual inhibition system (SIS). The SES is responsible for turning on sexual desire and arousal, while the SIS acts as a brake, inhibiting sexual response.

By understanding this model, we can recognize that different individuals have different levels of sensitivity in their SES and SIS. Some people have a highly sensitive SES, meaning they are easily turned on and experience intense desire and arousal. Others may have a highly sensitive SIS, which means they are easily inhibited and may struggle with desire or arousal. This knowledge allows us to better understand our own sexual response and communicate our needs and boundaries to our partners.

2. The Importance of Context in Sexual Response

One of the key insights from "Come as You Are" is the understanding that sexual response is highly influenced by context. Factors such as stress, fatigue, relationship dynamics, and cultural beliefs can all impact our sexual experiences. This means that our desire and arousal can vary greatly depending on the circumstances.

Recognizing the role of context helps us let go of the idea that there is a "normal" or "ideal" level of sexual desire or response. Instead, we can focus on creating a supportive and understanding environment that allows for open communication and exploration. By prioritizing context and understanding its impact, we can cultivate a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual life.

3. The Myth of Spontaneous Desire

One of the most profound takeaways from the book is the debunking of the myth of spontaneous desire. Society often portrays sexual desire as something that should arise spontaneously and without any external stimulation. However, Nagoski argues that for many people, desire is responsive rather than spontaneous.

Responsive desire means that desire is triggered by external factors such as touch, intimacy, or erotic cues. This understanding challenges the notion that lack of spontaneous desire is a problem or a sign of a broken libido. Instead, it encourages individuals and couples to focus on creating the right context and engaging in activities that can elicit desire and arousal.

4. The Importance of Sexual Self-Compassion

Nagoski emphasizes the importance of self-compassion when it comes to our sexual experiences. Many people carry shame, guilt, or negative beliefs about their bodies or desires, which can hinder their sexual well-being. By practicing self-compassion, we can cultivate a more positive and accepting attitude towards ourselves and our sexuality.

This involves letting go of unrealistic expectations, embracing our unique desires and preferences, and treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. Self-compassion allows us to explore and enjoy our sexuality without judgment or self-criticism, leading to a more fulfilling and authentic sexual life.

5. The Impact of Stress on Sexual Response

Stress is a major factor that can significantly impact our sexual response. Nagoski explains that stress activates the body's stress response system, which can inhibit sexual desire and arousal. This is because the stress response system is designed to prioritize survival over reproduction.

Understanding this connection between stress and sexual response helps us recognize that it is normal for our desire and arousal to fluctuate during stressful periods. It also highlights the importance of stress management techniques, such as relaxation exercises, mindfulness, and self-care, in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual life.

6. The Role of Communication in Sexual Relationships

Effective communication is crucial for maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication about desires, boundaries, and expectations. This includes discussing likes and dislikes, exploring fantasies, and addressing any concerns or insecurities.

By fostering a safe and non-judgmental space for communication, couples can better understand each other's needs and work together to create a mutually satisfying sexual experience. Communication also helps to build trust, intimacy, and emotional connection, which are essential for a fulfilling sexual relationship.

7. The Impact of Body Image on Sexual Well-being

Body image plays a significant role in our sexual well-being. Nagoski explains that negative body image can lead to feelings of self-consciousness, shame, and reduced sexual desire. On the other hand, a positive body image can enhance our confidence and enjoyment of sexual experiences.

Recognizing the impact of body image allows us to challenge societal beauty standards and embrace our bodies as they are. It encourages us to focus on pleasure, connection, and intimacy rather than appearance. Developing a positive body image involves self-acceptance, self-care, and surrounding ourselves with body-positive influences.

8. The Importance of Pleasure in Sexual Experiences

Lastly, "Come as You Are" highlights the importance of prioritizing pleasure in our sexual experiences. Nagoski argues that pleasure is a valid and essential goal in itself, rather than just a means to an end. By focusing on pleasure, we can shift our mindset from performance-oriented sex to a more holistic and enjoyable approach.

This involves exploring our own bodies, discovering what feels good, and communicating our desires and preferences to our partners. By prioritizing pleasure, we can create a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual life that is centered around our own pleasure and enjoyment.