Dealing with People You Can't Stand by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner

Last updated: Sep 26, 2023

Summary of Dealing with People You Can't Stand by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner

Dealing with People You Can't Stand, written by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner, is a comprehensive guide that provides practical strategies for effectively dealing with difficult individuals in various personal and professional settings.

The book begins by introducing the authors' concept of the "Tank," "Sniper," "Know-It-All," "Think-They-Know-It-All," "Grenade," and "No Person" personalities. Each personality type is described in detail, including their typical behaviors, motivations, and communication styles.

The authors emphasize the importance of understanding these personality types in order to effectively manage and diffuse conflicts. They provide readers with a step-by-step process called the "Six-Step Method" to handle difficult people:

Choose Your Response: Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to choose a response that aligns with your desired outcome.
Understand Their World: Put yourself in the other person's shoes to gain insight into their perspective and motivations.
Make It Safe: Create a safe and non-threatening environment for open communication.
Set Your Limits: Clearly define and communicate your boundaries to establish mutual respect.
Manage Your Emotions: Control your emotions and avoid getting caught up in the other person's negativity.
Agree on a Plan: Collaborate with the difficult person to find a mutually beneficial solution.

The authors also provide specific strategies for dealing with each personality type. For example, when dealing with a "Tank," it is important to remain calm, set boundaries, and redirect their aggression. When dealing with a "Sniper," it is recommended to confront their behavior directly, ask for clarification, and avoid taking their comments personally.

Furthermore, the book offers guidance on how to handle difficult people in various contexts, such as family, workplace, and social situations. It provides tips for effective communication, conflict resolution, and building positive relationships.

Throughout the book, the authors emphasize the importance of self-awareness and self-control in dealing with difficult individuals. They encourage readers to reflect on their own behavior and communication style, and provide exercises and self-assessment tools to aid in personal growth and development.

In conclusion, Dealing with People You Can't Stand is a comprehensive guide that equips readers with practical strategies for effectively managing difficult individuals. By understanding different personality types and employing the Six-Step Method, readers can navigate challenging interactions with confidence and achieve positive outcomes.

1. Understanding Different Communication Styles

In the book, the authors introduce four different communication styles: Thinkers, Feelers, Asserters, and Dreamers. They explain that each style has its own unique way of processing information and expressing themselves. By understanding these styles, we can better navigate our interactions with others.

For example, if you are dealing with a Thinker, who values logic and facts, it would be helpful to present your ideas in a logical and organized manner. On the other hand, if you are dealing with a Feeler, who values emotions and relationships, it would be more effective to appeal to their emotions and show empathy. By recognizing and adapting to different communication styles, we can improve our relationships and minimize conflicts.

2. The Power of Active Listening

The authors emphasize the importance of active listening in dealing with difficult people. Active listening involves fully focusing on the speaker, understanding their perspective, and responding appropriately. It shows respect and helps build rapport.

One technique the authors suggest is paraphrasing, where you restate what the person said in your own words to ensure understanding. This not only shows that you are actively listening but also helps clarify any misunderstandings. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages the person to share more and allows for a deeper understanding of their thoughts and feelings. By practicing active listening, we can create a more positive and productive communication environment.

3. Recognizing and Managing Triggers

The book highlights the importance of recognizing our own triggers and learning how to manage them effectively. Triggers are situations or behaviors that cause an emotional response in us, often leading to conflict or negative interactions.

By becoming aware of our triggers, we can take steps to manage our emotions and respond more calmly and rationally. The authors suggest techniques such as deep breathing, taking a break, or reframing the situation to reduce the impact of triggers. By practicing self-awareness and self-control, we can prevent conflicts from escalating and maintain better relationships with difficult people.

4. The Power of Non-Verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication plays a significant role in our interactions with others. The book emphasizes the importance of being aware of our own non-verbal cues and understanding how they can impact our communication.

For example, maintaining eye contact, using open body language, and nodding can show that we are engaged and interested in the conversation. On the other hand, crossing our arms, avoiding eye contact, or displaying negative facial expressions can create barriers and escalate conflicts. By being mindful of our non-verbal cues and making conscious efforts to display positive body language, we can create a more positive and conducive communication environment.

5. Building Rapport and Trust

Rapport and trust are essential in any relationship, especially when dealing with difficult people. The authors provide strategies for building rapport, such as finding common ground, showing genuine interest, and using positive language.

By finding shared interests or experiences, we can establish a connection and create a more positive atmosphere. Showing genuine interest in the other person's thoughts and feelings demonstrates empathy and builds trust. Additionally, using positive language and avoiding negative or confrontational statements can help prevent conflicts and maintain a respectful dialogue. By focusing on building rapport and trust, we can improve our relationships and effectively deal with difficult people.

6. Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness

The book emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and being assertive when dealing with difficult people. Setting boundaries involves clearly communicating our limits and expectations, while assertiveness involves expressing our thoughts and feelings in a respectful and confident manner.

By setting boundaries, we establish what is acceptable and what is not, preventing others from crossing our limits. Being assertive allows us to express ourselves effectively and stand up for our rights without being aggressive or passive. The authors provide techniques such as using "I" statements, expressing empathy, and focusing on solutions rather than blame. By setting boundaries and being assertive, we can maintain our self-respect and effectively deal with difficult people.

7. Managing Conflict Effectively

The book provides insights into managing conflicts with difficult people in a constructive and productive manner. It emphasizes the importance of focusing on the issue at hand rather than personal attacks and finding win-win solutions.

The authors suggest techniques such as active listening, reframing, and brainstorming to find common ground and resolve conflicts. They also emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for our own actions and avoiding blame. By managing conflicts effectively, we can prevent them from escalating and find resolutions that satisfy both parties.

8. Practicing Empathy and Understanding

The authors stress the importance of practicing empathy and understanding when dealing with difficult people. Empathy involves putting ourselves in the other person's shoes and understanding their perspective and emotions.

By practicing empathy, we can approach difficult people with compassion and patience, which can help defuse conflicts and build better relationships. The authors also emphasize the importance of suspending judgment and seeking to understand before being understood. By practicing empathy and understanding, we can create a more positive and harmonious environment when dealing with difficult people.