Getting to Yes with Yourself by William Ury

Last updated: Aug 14, 2023

Summary of Getting to Yes with Yourself by William Ury

Getting to Yes with Yourself by William Ury is a self-help book that focuses on personal negotiation and finding inner peace. Ury, a renowned negotiation expert, applies his principles of negotiation to the realm of personal development and self-improvement.

The book begins by emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and understanding one's own needs and desires. Ury argues that in order to negotiate effectively with others, we must first negotiate with ourselves. He introduces the concept of the "inner yes," which represents our true desires and values.

Ury then explores the concept of the "inner no," which represents our fears, doubts, and negative emotions. He explains that these inner obstacles often prevent us from achieving our goals and finding happiness. Ury provides practical strategies for overcoming these obstacles, such as reframing negative thoughts and practicing self-compassion.

One of the key principles in the book is the idea of "going to the balcony." Ury suggests that in difficult situations, we should step back and observe ourselves from a distance, just like a person watching a play from a balcony. This perspective allows us to detach from our emotions and make more rational decisions.

Ury also emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding in negotiations, both with ourselves and with others. He encourages readers to listen actively, seek common ground, and find win-win solutions. By focusing on mutual interests and maintaining a positive attitude, Ury believes that we can achieve better outcomes in all areas of life.

The book concludes with a chapter on forgiveness and letting go of past grievances. Ury argues that holding onto anger and resentment only harms ourselves, and that forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing.

Overall, Getting to Yes with Yourself offers a comprehensive guide to personal negotiation and self-improvement. Ury's practical strategies and insights provide readers with the tools they need to find inner peace, overcome obstacles, and achieve their goals.

1. The Power of Positive No

In the book, Ury introduces the concept of the "Positive No," which is a way to assertively and effectively communicate your needs and boundaries while still maintaining a positive relationship with the other person. He emphasizes that saying no doesn't have to be confrontational or negative, but rather an opportunity to express your values and priorities. By using a Positive No, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts and build stronger relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

Ury provides a four-step framework for delivering a Positive No: start with a positive yes, then say no, explain your reasons, and end with another positive yes. This approach allows you to acknowledge the other person's perspective, assert your own needs, and find a mutually beneficial solution. By mastering the art of the Positive No, you can navigate difficult conversations with grace and integrity.

2. The Importance of Self-Reflection

Getting to Yes with Yourself emphasizes the significance of self-reflection in achieving personal and professional success. Ury encourages readers to take the time to understand their own needs, desires, and values before engaging in any negotiation or decision-making process. By gaining clarity about your own motivations and priorities, you can approach negotiations with confidence and authenticity.

Ury suggests various self-reflection exercises, such as identifying your core concerns, exploring your "inner yes," and understanding your "inner resistance." These exercises help you uncover your underlying interests and emotions, enabling you to make more informed decisions and communicate effectively with others. Self-reflection also allows you to align your actions with your values, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose in your interactions and negotiations.

3. The Power of Listening

One of the key takeaways from the book is the importance of active listening in negotiations. Ury emphasizes that listening is not just about hearing the words spoken by the other person, but also understanding their underlying interests, needs, and emotions. By truly listening, you can build trust, empathy, and rapport, which are essential for reaching mutually beneficial agreements.

Ury introduces the concept of "listening to yourself," which involves paying attention to your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions during a negotiation. By being aware of your own biases and triggers, you can better manage your emotions and respond in a constructive manner. Additionally, Ury emphasizes the importance of empathetic listening, where you seek to understand the other person's perspective without judgment or interruption. This approach fosters a collaborative environment and increases the likelihood of finding creative solutions that meet both parties' needs.

4. The Power of Generosity

Ury highlights the transformative power of generosity in negotiations. He argues that by approaching negotiations with a mindset of abundance and seeking to create value for both parties, you can achieve better outcomes and build stronger relationships. Generosity involves looking for win-win solutions, considering the other person's interests, and being open to creative alternatives.

Ury suggests various strategies for practicing generosity, such as making the first offer, giving without expecting anything in return, and focusing on long-term relationships rather than short-term gains. By being generous, you can create a positive and collaborative atmosphere, where both parties feel valued and respected. This approach not only leads to better agreements but also enhances your reputation and credibility as a negotiator.

5. The Power of Patience

Patience is another key takeaway from the book. Ury emphasizes the importance of taking the time to understand the underlying interests and needs of all parties involved in a negotiation. Rushing into a decision or agreement can lead to suboptimal outcomes and strained relationships.

Ury suggests practicing patience by reframing time as an investment rather than a constraint. By investing time in understanding the other person's perspective, exploring creative alternatives, and building rapport, you can increase the likelihood of reaching mutually beneficial agreements. Patience also allows for better problem-solving and the exploration of multiple options, leading to more innovative and sustainable solutions.

6. The Power of Self-Compassion

Ury emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in negotiations and decision-making. He argues that being kind and understanding towards yourself is essential for maintaining emotional well-being and resilience during challenging negotiations.

Ury suggests practicing self-compassion by acknowledging and accepting your own limitations, forgiving yourself for mistakes, and taking care of your physical and emotional needs. By cultivating self-compassion, you can approach negotiations with a calm and centered mindset, enabling you to make better decisions and handle conflicts more effectively.

7. The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude is another powerful tool highlighted in the book. Ury suggests that expressing gratitude towards others can strengthen relationships, build trust, and create a positive negotiation environment.

Ury encourages readers to practice gratitude by acknowledging and appreciating the efforts, contributions, and perspectives of others. By expressing genuine gratitude, you can foster a sense of collaboration and goodwill, which can lead to more productive and satisfying negotiations.

8. The Power of Persistence

Ury emphasizes the importance of persistence in negotiations. He argues that many breakthroughs and successful agreements come after multiple attempts and iterations.

Ury suggests practicing persistence by reframing setbacks as learning opportunities, staying committed to your goals, and being open to revisiting and revising your approach. By persisting in negotiations, you can overcome obstacles, find creative solutions, and ultimately achieve better outcomes.