How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King

Last updated: Aug 2, 2023

Summary of How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen is a parenting guide written by Joanna Faber and Julie King. The book offers practical strategies and techniques for effective communication with young children, aged 2 to 7 years old. It aims to help parents and caregivers build strong relationships with their children, foster cooperation, and resolve conflicts in a respectful and empathetic manner.

The authors emphasize the importance of acknowledging children's feelings and validating their experiences. They suggest that parents should listen actively and empathetically, using phrases like "I see" or "That sounds frustrating" to show understanding. By doing so, parents can help children feel heard and understood, which can lead to better cooperation and problem-solving.

The book also provides guidance on setting limits and enforcing boundaries without resorting to punishment or rewards. Instead, the authors encourage parents to use logical consequences and natural consequences to teach children about responsibility and accountability. They emphasize the importance of giving choices and allowing children to have a sense of autonomy, while still maintaining necessary limits.

In addition, the authors offer strategies for dealing with common challenges such as tantrums, sibling rivalry, and refusal to cooperate. They provide practical tips on how to engage children's cooperation, redirect their behavior, and encourage independence. The book also addresses the issue of screen time and offers suggestions for managing it effectively.

Throughout the book, Faber and King provide numerous real-life examples and anecdotes to illustrate their points. They also include exercises and activities that parents can practice with their children to improve communication and problem-solving skills.

In summary, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen is a comprehensive guide that offers practical advice and techniques for effective communication with young children. It emphasizes the importance of empathy, active listening, and setting limits in a respectful and positive manner. The book provides parents and caregivers with valuable tools to build strong relationships with their children and navigate the challenges of parenting with confidence and understanding.

1. The Power of Acknowledgment

One of the key takeaways from the book is the power of acknowledgment in communication with little kids. The authors emphasize the importance of acknowledging children's feelings and experiences, even if we don't agree with them or find them irrational. By acknowledging their emotions, we validate their experiences and help them feel understood and heard. This can lead to a stronger connection and more effective communication.

For example, instead of dismissing a child's fear of monsters under the bed, we can acknowledge their feelings by saying, "I can see that you're feeling scared. It's okay to feel that way. Let's find a way to make you feel safe." This approach not only helps the child feel validated but also opens up the possibility for problem-solving and finding solutions together.

2. Engaging Cooperation through Playfulness

The book suggests that using playfulness can be a powerful tool to engage cooperation from little kids. Instead of resorting to commands or threats, we can make tasks more enjoyable and appealing by turning them into games or challenges. This approach not only makes the experience more fun for the child but also helps them develop a sense of autonomy and motivation.

For instance, instead of saying, "Brush your teeth now," we can turn it into a playful challenge by saying, "Let's see who can brush their teeth the fastest and make the silliest faces in the mirror!" This playful approach can make the task more exciting and increase the child's willingness to cooperate.

3. The Importance of Empathy

The book emphasizes the significance of empathy in building strong connections with little kids. By putting ourselves in their shoes and understanding their perspective, we can respond to their needs and emotions more effectively. Empathy helps us connect on a deeper level and fosters a sense of trust and understanding.

For example, if a child is upset because their favorite toy broke, instead of dismissing their feelings, we can empathize by saying, "I can see how sad you are. That toy meant a lot to you. It's okay to feel upset. Let's see if we can fix it together or find a way to make it better." This empathetic response acknowledges their emotions and shows them that we care about their feelings.

4. Using Choices to Empower

The book suggests that offering choices can be a powerful way to empower little kids and give them a sense of control. By giving them options, we allow them to make decisions and take ownership of their actions. This can help reduce power struggles and increase cooperation.

For instance, instead of saying, "Put on your shoes now," we can offer choices by saying, "Do you want to wear the red shoes or the blue shoes today?" This simple act of offering choices can make the child feel more involved and willing to cooperate.

5. Problem-Solving Together

The book encourages parents to involve children in problem-solving and decision-making processes. By including them in finding solutions, we teach them valuable skills such as critical thinking, creativity, and responsibility. This approach also helps children feel valued and respected.

For example, if a child is struggling with a task, instead of taking over and doing it for them, we can ask for their ideas and suggestions. By saying, "I see you're having trouble with this. What do you think we can do to make it easier?" we encourage their problem-solving skills and empower them to find their own solutions.

6. Active Listening

The book emphasizes the importance of active listening in effective communication with little kids. By giving our full attention and showing genuine interest in what they have to say, we create a safe space for them to express themselves. Active listening involves maintaining eye contact, nodding, and summarizing their thoughts to show that we understand.

For example, if a child is excitedly telling us about their day at school, instead of being distracted or dismissive, we can actively listen by saying, "Wow, it sounds like you had a really fun day! So, you played with your friends during recess and learned about dinosaurs in class?" This active listening approach not only makes the child feel valued but also encourages them to share more.

7. Setting Limits with Empathy

The book suggests that setting limits is an essential part of parenting, but it can be done with empathy and understanding. Instead of using harsh discipline or punishment, we can explain the reasons behind the limits and show empathy towards the child's feelings.

For instance, instead of simply saying, "No, you can't have another cookie," we can say, "I understand that you want another cookie, but we need to save some for later. How about we have a healthy snack now and save the cookies for tomorrow?" This empathetic approach helps the child understand the reasoning behind the limit and reduces resistance.

8. Encouraging Autonomy and Independence

The book emphasizes the importance of fostering autonomy and independence in little kids. By giving them opportunities to make choices, solve problems, and take on age-appropriate responsibilities, we help them develop confidence and self-reliance.

For example, instead of always doing things for the child, we can encourage them to dress themselves, pour their own drink, or tidy up their toys. This gradual increase in independence not only helps them develop important life skills but also boosts their self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.