Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass

Last updated: Aug 22, 2023

Summary of Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass

Not Just Friends by Shirley P. Glass is a comprehensive guide that explores the complex dynamics of infidelity and provides practical advice on how to rebuild trust and heal relationships after an affair.

The book begins by debunking common myths about infidelity and highlighting the emotional and psychological impact it has on both the betrayed partner and the unfaithful partner. Glass emphasizes that affairs are not just about sex, but rather about emotional connection and the desire for validation and excitement.

Through numerous case studies and real-life examples, Glass delves into the different types of affairs, including those that are purely sexual, those that involve emotional attachment, and those that are a combination of both. She also explores the various reasons why people cheat, such as unresolved childhood issues, relationship dissatisfaction, or a desire for novelty.

One of the key insights of the book is the concept of the "glass wall," which refers to the secrecy and deception that surrounds an affair. Glass explains how the unfaithful partner often compartmentalizes their actions and creates a separate reality, which makes it difficult for them to fully understand the consequences of their behavior.

Not Just Friends provides practical strategies for both the betrayed partner and the unfaithful partner to navigate the aftermath of an affair. Glass emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help if needed. She also provides guidance on how to rebuild trust, manage intense emotions, and create a new foundation for the relationship.

The book also addresses the role of technology in infidelity, highlighting the dangers of social media and online platforms that facilitate emotional connections outside of the primary relationship. Glass offers advice on how to establish healthy boundaries with technology and prevent future betrayals.

Overall, Not Just Friends is a comprehensive and compassionate guide that offers hope and guidance to couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity. It provides valuable insights into the complex nature of affairs and offers practical strategies for rebuilding trust and creating a stronger, more resilient relationship.

1. The concept of emotional infidelity

In "Not Just Friends," Shirley P. Glass introduces the concept of emotional infidelity, which refers to a breach of trust and emotional connection with someone outside of a committed relationship. Glass argues that emotional infidelity can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical infidelity. This is because emotional affairs involve a deep emotional connection and intimacy that can rival or even surpass the emotional connection with one's partner.

Glass emphasizes that emotional infidelity often starts innocently, with individuals seeking emotional support or validation from someone other than their partner. However, over time, these emotional connections can escalate and become a threat to the primary relationship. Understanding the concept of emotional infidelity can help individuals recognize the warning signs and take proactive steps to protect their relationship.

2. The role of boundaries in maintaining fidelity

Another key takeaway from "Not Just Friends" is the importance of setting and maintaining clear boundaries in relationships. Glass argues that boundaries serve as a protective barrier against potential infidelity. By establishing and respecting boundaries, individuals can prevent themselves from crossing the line into emotional or physical infidelity.

Glass suggests that couples should openly discuss and establish boundaries together, taking into account each partner's needs and expectations. This includes setting boundaries around communication with members of the opposite sex, disclosing personal information, and engaging in activities that could potentially lead to emotional or physical intimacy. By establishing and respecting these boundaries, couples can create a sense of safety and trust within their relationship.

3. The impact of technology on infidelity

In the digital age, technology plays a significant role in shaping relationships, and "Not Just Friends" explores the impact of technology on infidelity. Glass highlights how social media, texting, and online platforms have made it easier for individuals to engage in emotional and physical affairs.

She emphasizes the importance of transparency and open communication about technology use within relationships. This includes sharing passwords, discussing appropriate online behavior, and setting boundaries around social media interactions. By addressing the potential risks and challenges posed by technology, couples can navigate the digital landscape while maintaining trust and fidelity.

4. The role of self-reflection in healing from infidelity

Healing from infidelity is a complex and challenging process, and "Not Just Friends" emphasizes the importance of self-reflection in this journey. Glass suggests that both the betrayed partner and the unfaithful partner need to engage in self-reflection to understand the underlying factors that contributed to the infidelity.

By examining their own vulnerabilities, needs, and patterns of behavior, individuals can gain insight into the root causes of the affair and work towards personal growth and healing. This self-reflection also allows couples to address any underlying issues within the relationship and make necessary changes to rebuild trust and intimacy.

5. The significance of empathy and understanding

Empathy and understanding play a crucial role in the healing process after infidelity, as highlighted in "Not Just Friends." Glass emphasizes the importance of both partners being able to empathize with each other's pain, emotions, and perspectives.

By actively listening and seeking to understand each other's experiences, couples can foster a sense of compassion and connection. This empathy allows for open and honest communication, which is essential for rebuilding trust and repairing the emotional damage caused by infidelity.

6. The importance of professional help

"Not Just Friends" acknowledges that healing from infidelity is a complex process that often requires professional help. Glass emphasizes the importance of seeking therapy or counseling to navigate the challenges and emotions that arise after infidelity.

A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and tools to help couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and work through the emotional aftermath of infidelity. Professional help can also provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and concerns, facilitating a more productive and healing process.

7. The role of forgiveness in rebuilding trust

Forgiveness is a central theme in "Not Just Friends," as Glass explores its role in rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship after infidelity. She emphasizes that forgiveness is a process that takes time and effort from both partners.

Glass suggests that forgiveness involves letting go of resentment and anger, while also acknowledging the pain caused by the infidelity. It does not mean forgetting or condoning the actions, but rather, it allows for the possibility of healing and moving forward. Forgiveness can help couples rebuild trust and create a new foundation for their relationship.

8. The importance of ongoing commitment and effort

Lastly, "Not Just Friends" emphasizes the importance of ongoing commitment and effort in maintaining a healthy and faithful relationship. Glass argues that rebuilding trust and repairing the damage caused by infidelity requires consistent dedication from both partners.

She suggests that couples should prioritize their relationship, invest time and energy into nurturing their emotional connection, and continuously work on improving communication and understanding. By making a long-term commitment to each other and the relationship, couples can create a strong foundation that withstands future challenges and temptations.