Real Influence by Mark Goulston, John Ullmen

Last updated: Aug 12, 2023

Summary of Real Influence by Mark Goulston, John Ullmen

Real Influence by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen is a book that explores the art of persuasion and influence in various aspects of life. The authors provide practical strategies and techniques to help readers become more effective influencers and build stronger relationships.

The book begins by emphasizing the importance of genuine connection and empathy in influencing others. The authors argue that true influence comes from understanding and addressing the needs and concerns of others. They introduce the concept of "real influence," which involves creating a positive impact on people's lives and inspiring them to take action.

Goulston and Ullmen then delve into the four steps of real influence: connecting, listening, framing, and engaging. They explain how to establish a genuine connection with others by showing interest, respect, and empathy. They emphasize the power of active listening, which involves fully understanding and validating the other person's perspective. The authors also discuss the importance of framing conversations in a way that resonates with the other person's values and goals.

The book also explores the role of emotions in influencing others. The authors explain how to manage emotions effectively and use them to build rapport and trust. They provide techniques for diffusing difficult situations and handling resistance or conflict. The authors stress the importance of authenticity and integrity in influencing others, as people are more likely to be influenced by those they trust and respect.

Real Influence also addresses the challenges of influencing in different contexts, such as in the workplace, with family and friends, and in negotiations. The authors provide specific strategies for each scenario, including building alliances, resolving conflicts, and negotiating win-win outcomes.

The book concludes by emphasizing the ongoing practice and development of real influence skills. The authors encourage readers to continuously improve their ability to connect with others, listen actively, and adapt their approach to different situations. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and self-reflection in becoming a more influential person.

In summary, Real Influence is a comprehensive guide to mastering the art of persuasion and influence. It provides practical strategies and techniques for building genuine connections, listening effectively, framing conversations, and engaging others. The book emphasizes the importance of empathy, authenticity, and integrity in influencing others, and provides guidance for influencing in various contexts. Overall, Real Influence offers valuable insights and tools for anyone looking to enhance their influence and build stronger relationships.

1. The Power of Listening

One of the key takeaways from "Real Influence" is the importance of active listening. The authors emphasize that truly understanding and connecting with others requires us to listen with genuine curiosity and empathy. This means setting aside our own agenda and truly focusing on the other person's perspective and emotions. By doing so, we can build trust, deepen relationships, and gain valuable insights.

The book provides practical tips for becoming a better listener, such as maintaining eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and summarizing what the other person has said to ensure understanding. By honing our listening skills, we can become more influential and effective in our interactions with others.

2. The Influence of Nonverbal Communication

Another fascinating insight from "Real Influence" is the power of nonverbal communication. The authors explain that our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice often convey more meaning than our words alone. They emphasize the importance of aligning our nonverbal cues with our intended message to create a sense of authenticity and trust.

The book provides practical techniques for improving our nonverbal communication, such as maintaining an open posture, using appropriate gestures, and mirroring the body language of the person we are interacting with. By becoming more aware of our nonverbal cues and consciously using them to enhance our message, we can significantly increase our influence and impact.

3. Building Rapport through Empathy

"Real Influence" highlights the significance of empathy in building rapport and influencing others. The authors explain that empathy involves understanding and sharing the emotions of another person. By demonstrating empathy, we can create a sense of connection and trust, which opens the door for more effective communication and influence.

The book provides practical strategies for cultivating empathy, such as actively imagining ourselves in the other person's shoes, acknowledging their emotions, and validating their experiences. By practicing empathy, we can foster stronger relationships, resolve conflicts more effectively, and ultimately become more influential individuals.

4. Overcoming Resistance with Curiosity

The authors of "Real Influence" emphasize the power of curiosity in overcoming resistance and defensiveness in others. They explain that when we approach challenging situations with genuine curiosity, we can defuse tension and create a more open and collaborative environment.

The book provides practical techniques for cultivating curiosity, such as asking open-ended questions, seeking to understand the other person's perspective, and suspending judgment. By embracing curiosity, we can navigate difficult conversations more effectively and increase our chances of influencing others positively.

5. The Importance of Authenticity

"Real Influence" underscores the significance of authenticity in building influence. The authors argue that people are more likely to be influenced by those they perceive as genuine and trustworthy. They emphasize the importance of aligning our words, actions, and values to create a consistent and authentic personal brand.

The book provides practical advice for cultivating authenticity, such as being true to ourselves, admitting mistakes, and showing vulnerability. By embracing authenticity, we can build stronger connections, inspire trust, and ultimately have a greater impact on those around us.

6. Creating Win-Win Solutions

The authors of "Real Influence" stress the importance of seeking win-win solutions in negotiations and conflicts. They argue that by focusing on mutual benefits and finding creative solutions, we can build stronger relationships and achieve better outcomes.

The book provides practical strategies for creating win-win solutions, such as identifying shared goals, exploring alternative options, and being open to compromise. By adopting a collaborative mindset, we can become more influential negotiators and problem solvers.

7. Harnessing the Power of Storytelling

"Real Influence" highlights the power of storytelling in capturing attention, engaging emotions, and influencing others. The authors explain that stories have a unique ability to connect with people on a deeper level and make information more memorable and persuasive.

The book provides practical techniques for effective storytelling, such as using vivid details, incorporating personal experiences, and structuring narratives for maximum impact. By harnessing the power of storytelling, we can become more influential communicators and captivate our audience.

8. Navigating Difficult Conversations

"Real Influence" offers valuable insights on navigating difficult conversations with empathy and effectiveness. The authors provide practical strategies for managing emotions, defusing tension, and finding common ground in challenging situations.

The book emphasizes the importance of active listening, empathy, and curiosity in difficult conversations. It also provides techniques for reframing negative situations, managing conflict constructively, and finding mutually beneficial solutions. By applying the principles outlined in the book, we can navigate difficult conversations with greater confidence and influence.