Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

Last updated: Sep 22, 2023

Summary of Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad is a comprehensive guide for individuals who find themselves in relationships with individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The book aims to help caretakers understand the dynamics of these relationships and provides practical strategies for setting boundaries, taking care of oneself, and ultimately breaking free from the cycle of caretaking.

The book begins by explaining the characteristics and behaviors commonly associated with BPD and NPD. Fjelstad emphasizes that individuals with these disorders often struggle with emotional regulation, have difficulty maintaining stable relationships, and may exhibit manipulative or abusive behaviors. She highlights the importance of recognizing these patterns and understanding that caretakers are not responsible for fixing or changing the person with the disorder.

Fjelstad then delves into the caretaker's role and the reasons why individuals may be drawn to relationships with individuals with BPD or NPD. She explores common traits and experiences that make caretakers susceptible to these relationships, such as a history of codependency, low self-esteem, and a desire to rescue or fix others. The author emphasizes the need for caretakers to prioritize their own well-being and to recognize that they cannot change or save the person with the disorder.

The book provides practical strategies for setting boundaries and detaching from the unhealthy dynamics of these relationships. Fjelstad offers guidance on how to identify and communicate personal boundaries, as well as how to respond to manipulative or abusive behaviors. She emphasizes the importance of self-care and provides tools and exercises to help caretakers develop self-esteem, self-compassion, and resilience.

Fjelstad also addresses the challenges of ending a relationship with someone with BPD or NPD. She acknowledges the difficulties of detaching emotionally and provides guidance on how to navigate the process of separation or divorce. The author emphasizes the importance of seeking support from therapists, support groups, and loved ones during this challenging time.

In conclusion, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is a comprehensive guide that offers valuable insights and practical strategies for individuals who find themselves in relationships with individuals with BPD or NPD. Fjelstad empowers caretakers to prioritize their own well-being, set boundaries, and ultimately break free from the cycle of caretaking. The book serves as a valuable resource for anyone seeking to understand and navigate these complex relationships.

1. Understanding the Borderline or Narcissist

In this book, Fjelstad provides a comprehensive understanding of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). She explains that these individuals often struggle with emotional regulation, have difficulty maintaining stable relationships, and exhibit patterns of manipulation and control. By understanding the underlying dynamics of these disorders, readers can gain insight into the behaviors and motivations of their loved ones.

Fjelstad emphasizes that it is crucial to recognize that BPD and NPD are not character flaws or intentional choices, but rather the result of deep-seated psychological issues. This understanding can help caretakers approach their loved ones with empathy and compassion, rather than judgment or frustration.

2. The Caretaking Trap

One of the key takeaways from this book is the concept of the caretaking trap. Fjelstad explains that caretakers often find themselves in a cycle of enabling and rescuing their loved ones with BPD or NPD. This can lead to a codependent dynamic, where the caretaker's sense of self-worth becomes dependent on meeting the needs of the borderline or narcissist.

Fjelstad highlights the importance of recognizing and breaking free from this trap. She encourages caretakers to establish healthy boundaries, prioritize their own needs, and develop a sense of self separate from the relationship. By doing so, caretakers can regain their autonomy and create a healthier dynamic with their loved ones.

3. Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of caretaking individuals with BPD or NPD. Fjelstad emphasizes that caretakers often struggle with boundary-setting due to their fear of triggering intense emotional reactions or abandonment from their loved ones.

The book provides practical strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries, such as clearly communicating expectations, using "I" statements to express feelings, and reinforcing consequences for crossing boundaries. Fjelstad also emphasizes the importance of consistency and self-care in maintaining boundaries.

4. Developing Self-Compassion

Fjelstad highlights the importance of developing self-compassion for caretakers. She explains that caretakers often blame themselves for their loved ones' behaviors or feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs.

The book offers exercises and techniques for cultivating self-compassion, such as practicing self-care, challenging negative self-talk, and seeking support from others. Fjelstad emphasizes that caretakers need to prioritize their own well-being in order to effectively support their loved ones.

5. Detaching with Love

Detaching with love is a concept discussed in the book that involves creating emotional distance from the borderline or narcissist while still maintaining a sense of compassion and care. Fjelstad explains that detaching with love allows caretakers to protect their own emotional well-being without completely abandoning their loved ones.

The book provides practical strategies for detaching with love, such as focusing on personal growth, seeking therapy or support groups, and practicing self-compassion. Fjelstad emphasizes that detaching with love does not mean cutting off all contact, but rather finding a balance between supporting the loved one and prioritizing one's own needs.

6. Building a Support Network

Fjelstad emphasizes the importance of building a support network for caretakers of individuals with BPD or NPD. She explains that caretakers often feel isolated and overwhelmed, and having a support system can provide validation, guidance, and emotional support.

The book offers suggestions for building a support network, such as joining support groups, seeking therapy, or connecting with friends and family who understand the challenges of caretaking. Fjelstad also emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries within the support network to ensure that caretakers are receiving the support they need without becoming overwhelmed.

7. Healing and Self-Growth

Fjelstad emphasizes that caretakers need to prioritize their own healing and self-growth in order to break free from the caretaking cycle. She explains that caretakers often have their own unresolved traumas or patterns of codependency that need to be addressed.

The book provides guidance on healing and self-growth, such as seeking therapy, practicing self-reflection, and engaging in activities that promote personal well-being. Fjelstad emphasizes that caretakers need to focus on their own healing in order to create healthier dynamics with their loved ones.

8. Acceptance and Letting Go

Fjelstad emphasizes the importance of acceptance and letting go for caretakers of individuals with BPD or NPD. She explains that caretakers often hold onto the hope that their loved ones will change or that they can fix the relationship.

The book encourages caretakers to accept the limitations of their loved ones and the relationship, and to let go of the need for control or validation. Fjelstad emphasizes that acceptance and letting go does not mean giving up on the relationship, but rather finding peace and contentment within oneself regardless of the outcome.