Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

Last updated: Jul 14, 2023

Summary of Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

1. Feedback is a gift, but it can be hard to receive

In "Thanks for the Feedback," the authors emphasize that feedback is a valuable gift that can help us grow and improve. However, they also acknowledge that receiving feedback can be challenging. Often, our natural response to feedback is defensiveness or denial, which prevents us from truly benefiting from it. The book provides insights into why feedback can be difficult to receive, such as our tendency to take it personally or our fear of being judged. By understanding these barriers, we can learn to approach feedback with a more open mindset and use it as a tool for personal and professional development.

2. Differentiate between appreciation, coaching, and evaluation

One of the key takeaways from the book is the importance of understanding the different types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Appreciation focuses on recognizing and acknowledging someone's efforts or achievements. Coaching aims to provide guidance and support for improvement. Evaluation, on the other hand, involves assessing someone's performance against specific criteria. By recognizing the purpose and intent behind feedback, we can better understand how to receive and respond to it. This differentiation allows us to approach feedback with the right mindset and avoid misinterpreting it or feeling overwhelmed.

3. Feedback triggers can help us understand our reactions

The book introduces the concept of "feedback triggers," which are the underlying reasons why certain feedback may provoke strong emotional reactions in us. These triggers can be related to our identity, our relationships, or our competence. By identifying our triggers, we can gain insight into why we react the way we do and learn to manage our responses more effectively. The authors provide practical strategies for recognizing and addressing these triggers, such as reframing the feedback or seeking additional perspectives. Understanding our triggers allows us to approach feedback with greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

4. Seek feedback actively and intentionally

Instead of waiting for feedback to come to us, the book encourages us to actively seek it out. By proactively asking for feedback, we can gain valuable insights and perspectives that we may not have otherwise received. The authors provide practical tips for soliciting feedback effectively, such as being specific in our requests and creating a safe and open environment for others to share their thoughts. Actively seeking feedback demonstrates our commitment to growth and improvement, and it allows us to take control of our own development.

5. Feedback is a two-way street

While the book primarily focuses on receiving feedback, it also emphasizes the importance of giving feedback effectively. The authors highlight the need for clear and specific feedback that is focused on behavior rather than personal attacks. They also stress the importance of timing and delivery, as well as the value of ongoing feedback conversations. By understanding how to give feedback constructively, we can contribute to a culture of growth and learning in our personal and professional relationships.

6. Feedback is not always accurate or helpful

One of the thought-provoking insights from the book is that feedback is not always accurate or helpful. The authors acknowledge that feedback can be subjective, biased, or based on incomplete information. They encourage us to approach feedback with a critical mindset and evaluate its validity and relevance. By recognizing that not all feedback is equally valuable, we can filter and prioritize the feedback we receive, focusing on what is most helpful for our growth and development.

7. Feedback is a continuous process

The book emphasizes that feedback is not a one-time event but a continuous process. It encourages us to view feedback as an ongoing conversation rather than a single moment of evaluation. By embracing feedback as a continuous process, we can create a culture of learning and improvement in our personal and professional lives. The authors provide practical strategies for incorporating feedback into our daily routines, such as regular check-ins and feedback loops. This approach allows us to make incremental progress and continuously refine our skills and behaviors.

8. Embrace a growth mindset towards feedback

Lastly, "Thanks for the Feedback" highlights the importance of adopting a growth mindset towards feedback. Instead of viewing feedback as a threat or a judgment, the authors encourage us to see it as an opportunity for growth and learning. By embracing a growth mindset, we can approach feedback with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to improve. This mindset shift allows us to extract the maximum benefit from feedback and use it as a catalyst for personal and professional development.

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