The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Last updated: Aug 31, 2023

Summary of The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

The book "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider is a comprehensive guide that offers advice and strategies for women on how to find and attract a suitable partner and maintain a healthy relationship. The authors emphasize the importance of traditional dating rules and gender roles in order to achieve success in love and romance.

The book begins by highlighting the authors' belief that women should not pursue men, but rather allow men to pursue them. They argue that women should adopt a more passive and mysterious approach, as this will make them more desirable and increase their chances of finding a committed partner.

The authors provide a set of rules that women should follow in order to attract and keep a man's interest. These rules include not initiating contact with a man, not accepting last-minute dates, and not being too available or accessible. They also advise women to maintain a sense of independence and not to reveal too much about themselves too soon.

Furthermore, the authors stress the importance of maintaining a high level of self-respect and self-esteem. They encourage women to set boundaries and not to settle for less than they deserve. They also emphasize the need for women to focus on their own lives and interests, rather than solely on finding a partner.

The book also provides guidance on various aspects of dating and relationships, such as how to handle phone calls and text messages, how to dress and present oneself, and how to handle conflicts and disagreements. The authors offer practical tips and examples to illustrate their points.

Throughout the book, the authors emphasize the idea that following these rules will lead to a successful and fulfilling relationship. They argue that by adhering to traditional dating norms and playing hard to get, women can attract a man who is willing to commit and treat them with respect.

However, it is important to note that the book has received criticism for promoting outdated and manipulative dating tactics. Some argue that the rules advocated in the book perpetuate gender stereotypes and encourage women to suppress their true selves in order to conform to societal expectations.

In conclusion, "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider is a guidebook that offers advice and strategies for women on how to navigate the dating world and find a suitable partner. While the book emphasizes traditional dating rules and gender roles, it has also faced criticism for promoting outdated and manipulative tactics.

1. Playing hard to get

The book emphasizes the importance of playing hard to get in dating and relationships. According to the authors, men are naturally hunters and are more attracted to women who are a challenge. They suggest that women should not be too available or eager, as it can make them appear desperate or uninteresting. Instead, they recommend maintaining a sense of mystery and independence, which can make men more interested and invested in pursuing a relationship.

While this approach may work for some individuals, it is important to note that every person and relationship is unique. Playing hard to get should not be used as a manipulative tactic or a way to play mind games. It is essential to find a balance between showing interest and maintaining personal boundaries.

2. The importance of self-confidence

The Rules emphasizes the significance of self-confidence in dating and relationships. The authors suggest that women should focus on building their self-esteem and self-worth, as it can make them more attractive to potential partners. They encourage women to prioritize their own happiness and well-being, rather than relying solely on a romantic relationship for fulfillment.

Developing self-confidence involves recognizing one's own worth, setting boundaries, and pursuing personal goals and interests. It is important to remember that self-confidence is not about being arrogant or self-centered, but rather about having a healthy sense of self-worth and self-assurance.

3. Avoiding excessive communication

The book advises against excessive communication, particularly in the early stages of dating. The authors suggest that women should not initiate contact too frequently or respond immediately to every message or call. They argue that maintaining some level of distance and allowing the man to take the lead can create a sense of longing and desire.

While it is important to avoid being overly clingy or dependent in a relationship, it is also crucial to communicate effectively and honestly. Each individual and relationship has different communication needs, and it is essential to find a balance that works for both partners.

4. Setting boundaries and standards

The Rules emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and standards in dating and relationships. The authors suggest that women should have clear expectations and not settle for less than they deserve. They encourage women to establish their own rules and values, and to communicate them effectively to potential partners.

Setting boundaries and standards is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It involves knowing one's own needs and limits, and being assertive in communicating them. However, it is also important to be flexible and open to compromise, as relationships require mutual understanding and respect.

5. The power of positive thinking

The book highlights the power of positive thinking in attracting and maintaining a healthy relationship. The authors suggest that women should focus on positive thoughts and beliefs, as negativity can be a turn-off for potential partners. They encourage women to visualize and affirm their desired outcomes, and to maintain a positive attitude even in the face of challenges.

Positive thinking can indeed have a significant impact on one's overall well-being and relationships. It can help cultivate optimism, resilience, and a sense of gratitude. However, it is important to acknowledge and address negative emotions and challenges when they arise, rather than suppressing or ignoring them.

6. The importance of personal growth

The Rules emphasizes the importance of personal growth and self-improvement in dating and relationships. The authors suggest that women should focus on their own development and pursue their passions and interests. They argue that personal growth can make individuals more attractive and fulfilled, and can also contribute to a healthier and more balanced relationship.

Personal growth involves continuous learning, self-reflection, and self-improvement. It can include activities such as pursuing education, developing new skills, engaging in hobbies, and seeking therapy or counseling. Prioritizing personal growth can lead to increased self-awareness, confidence, and fulfillment, which can positively impact all areas of life, including relationships.

7. Trusting the process

The book emphasizes the importance of trusting the process of dating and relationships. The authors suggest that women should have faith in the natural progression of a relationship and avoid rushing or forcing things. They argue that trust and patience are key in allowing a relationship to develop organically.

Trusting the process involves being present and enjoying each stage of a relationship, without constantly worrying about the future or trying to control the outcome. It requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt and grow together. While it is important to be proactive and assertive in pursuing one's desires and needs, it is equally important to allow space for the relationship to unfold naturally.

8. Embracing independence

The Rules encourages women to embrace their independence and prioritize their own happiness and well-being. The authors suggest that women should not rely solely on a romantic relationship for fulfillment, but rather focus on building a fulfilling life for themselves. They argue that independence can make individuals more attractive and can also contribute to a healthier and more balanced relationship.

Embracing independence involves cultivating one's own interests, goals, and social connections. It means maintaining a sense of self outside of the relationship and not losing sight of one's own needs and desires. While it is important to prioritize the relationship and invest time and effort into it, it is equally important to maintain a sense of individuality and independence.