The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

Last updated: Jul 12, 2023

Summary of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman is a comprehensive guide that offers practical advice and strategies for building and maintaining a successful marriage. Based on extensive research conducted by the author and his team, the book presents seven principles that are essential for creating a strong and lasting relationship.

The first principle is to enhance your love maps. This involves getting to know your partner on a deep level, understanding their likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. By continually updating your knowledge of each other, you can strengthen your emotional connection and foster intimacy.

The second principle focuses on nurturing fondness and admiration. It is important to maintain a positive perspective of your partner and to express appreciation and admiration for their qualities and actions. By cultivating a culture of respect and admiration, you can create a foundation of love and support.

The third principle emphasizes the importance of turning towards each other instead of away. This means actively engaging in small acts of kindness, showing interest in your partner's thoughts and feelings, and being responsive to their bids for connection. By consistently responding to each other's needs, you can build trust and emotional security.

The fourth principle is about letting your partner influence you. It is crucial to value and respect your partner's opinions, and to be open to compromise and collaboration. By working together as a team and considering each other's perspectives, you can make decisions that benefit both of you.

The fifth principle focuses on solving solvable conflicts. It is normal for couples to have disagreements, but it is essential to approach conflicts with a positive mindset and a willingness to find common ground. By using effective communication techniques and seeking win-win solutions, you can resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.

The sixth principle addresses overcoming gridlock. Gridlock occurs when couples have deep-rooted, unresolved issues. The book provides strategies for exploring the underlying emotions and beliefs behind these conflicts and finding ways to move forward. By understanding each other's needs and finding compromises, couples can break free from gridlock and find resolution.

The seventh principle is about creating shared meaning. This involves establishing shared goals, values, and rituals that give your relationship a sense of purpose and direction. By creating a strong sense of shared meaning, couples can build a deep and meaningful connection that transcends individual differences.

In addition to these principles, the book also provides practical exercises and techniques for improving communication, managing conflict, and strengthening emotional bonds. It emphasizes the importance of friendship, trust, and intimacy in a marriage, and offers guidance on how to cultivate these qualities.

Overall, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a comprehensive and insightful guide that offers valuable advice for couples at any stage of their relationship. By implementing these principles and strategies, couples can build a strong foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect, and create a fulfilling and lasting marriage.

1. The importance of building a strong friendship

In his book, John Gottman emphasizes the significance of building a strong friendship as the foundation of a successful marriage. He suggests that couples who are friends have a higher chance of maintaining a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. This friendship is built on mutual respect, admiration, and a genuine liking for each other.

Gottman explains that couples who are friends are more likely to handle conflicts better, communicate effectively, and support each other's dreams and goals. They enjoy spending time together, have shared interests, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. By prioritizing friendship, couples can create a solid foundation that can withstand the challenges and ups and downs of married life.

2. The power of small gestures

Gottman highlights the importance of small gestures in maintaining a healthy and happy marriage. These small acts of kindness, such as a hug, a compliment, or a thoughtful gesture, can have a significant impact on the overall quality of the relationship. They help to create a positive emotional climate and foster a sense of connection and intimacy.

According to Gottman, it is the accumulation of these small gestures that truly make a difference in a marriage. They serve as a reminder of love and appreciation, and they help to build a strong emotional bond between partners. By making a conscious effort to incorporate small gestures into daily life, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a positive and loving atmosphere.

3. The importance of turning towards each other

Gottman emphasizes the significance of turning towards each other in moments of connection and vulnerability. Turning towards means being responsive and attentive to your partner's bids for attention, affection, or support. It involves actively engaging in conversations, showing interest, and being present in the relationship.

According to Gottman's research, couples who consistently turn towards each other have a higher chance of maintaining a successful marriage. Turning towards builds trust, emotional intimacy, and a sense of security. It shows that partners are there for each other and are willing to invest in the relationship. By actively turning towards each other, couples can create a strong and lasting bond.

4. The importance of managing conflict effectively

Gottman emphasizes the importance of managing conflict effectively in a marriage. He suggests that conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but it is how couples handle them that determines the overall health of the marriage. Gottman introduces the concept of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - as destructive patterns that can harm a relationship.

He provides practical strategies for managing conflict, such as using "I" statements, expressing needs and feelings, and practicing active listening. By learning to manage conflict in a healthy and constructive way, couples can resolve issues, strengthen their bond, and prevent long-term damage to the relationship.

5. The importance of creating shared meaning

Gottman emphasizes the significance of creating shared meaning in a marriage. This involves developing a shared vision, values, and goals as a couple. It means finding common ground and creating rituals and traditions that hold meaning for both partners.

According to Gottman, couples who have a strong sense of shared meaning are more likely to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. They have a sense of purpose and direction, and they support each other's individual growth and aspirations. By actively working on creating shared meaning, couples can deepen their connection and create a sense of purpose in their marriage.

6. The importance of nurturing fondness and admiration

Gottman emphasizes the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. He suggests that couples who genuinely like and appreciate each other have a higher chance of maintaining a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Gottman encourages couples to regularly express appreciation, admiration, and gratitude towards each other. By focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship and actively nurturing fondness and admiration, couples can create a positive emotional climate and strengthen their bond.

7. The importance of creating a culture of appreciation

Gottman highlights the significance of creating a culture of appreciation in a marriage. This involves regularly expressing gratitude, acknowledging each other's efforts, and celebrating each other's successes.

According to Gottman, couples who have a culture of appreciation have a higher chance of maintaining a happy and fulfilling relationship. They create an atmosphere of positivity and support, where both partners feel valued and appreciated. By consciously creating a culture of appreciation, couples can foster a loving and nurturing environment.

8. The importance of investing in the emotional bank account

Gottman introduces the concept of the emotional bank account, which represents the overall emotional balance in a relationship. He suggests that couples need to make regular deposits into this account by engaging in positive interactions, acts of kindness, and expressions of love and appreciation.

By investing in the emotional bank account, couples can build a strong foundation of trust, love, and emotional intimacy. This allows them to navigate challenges and conflicts more effectively and maintain a healthy and fulfilling marriage.