Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

Last updated: Jul 22, 2023

Summary of Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay is a self-help book written by Mira Kirshenbaum that aims to guide individuals who are struggling with the decision of whether to stay in or leave their current relationship. The book provides a comprehensive framework and a series of questions to help readers evaluate their relationship and make an informed decision.

Kirshenbaum begins by emphasizing the importance of taking responsibility for one's own happiness and well-being. She argues that staying in a relationship solely out of fear, guilt, or a sense of obligation is not healthy or sustainable in the long run.

The author then introduces the concept of the "Ambivalence Grid," which is a tool designed to help readers assess the various aspects of their relationship. The grid consists of five dimensions: intimacy, compatibility, communication, fairness, and goals. Kirshenbaum encourages readers to rate each dimension on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best.

Throughout the book, Kirshenbaum explores each dimension in detail, providing real-life examples and anecdotes to illustrate different scenarios. She offers practical advice on how to evaluate the current state of each dimension and provides guidance on what to do if a particular dimension is lacking.

In addition to the Ambivalence Grid, Kirshenbaum presents a series of 36 specific questions that readers can ask themselves to gain further clarity about their relationship. These questions cover a wide range of topics, including trust, respect, emotional connection, sexual compatibility, and shared values.

After readers have completed the Ambivalence Grid and answered the 36 questions, Kirshenbaum guides them through the process of interpreting their responses and making a decision. She emphasizes the importance of listening to one's intuition and trusting oneself to make the right choice.

The book concludes with a section on how to implement the decision to stay or leave. Kirshenbaum provides practical advice on how to communicate with one's partner, seek professional help if needed, and navigate the emotional challenges that may arise during this process.

Overall, Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay offers a comprehensive and practical guide for individuals who are struggling with the decision of whether to stay in or leave their relationship. Through the Ambivalence Grid, the 36 questions, and the author's insightful advice, readers are empowered to make a decision that aligns with their own happiness and well-being.

1. The Ambivalence Trap

In her book, Mira Kirshenbaum introduces the concept of the ambivalence trap, which refers to the state of being unsure about whether to stay in a relationship or leave it. This ambivalence can be incredibly challenging and can lead to prolonged periods of indecision and unhappiness. Kirshenbaum explains that the ambivalence trap occurs when there are both good and bad aspects of the relationship, making it difficult to make a clear decision.

To overcome the ambivalence trap, Kirshenbaum suggests conducting a thorough evaluation of the relationship. This involves identifying the specific issues that are causing dissatisfaction and determining whether they can be resolved. By gaining clarity on the problems and potential solutions, individuals can make a more informed decision about whether to stay or leave.

2. The Importance of Personal Growth

Kirshenbaum emphasizes the significance of personal growth within a relationship. She argues that both partners should be committed to their own personal development and growth, as this contributes to the overall health and happiness of the relationship. When individuals stagnate or fail to grow, it can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction.

To foster personal growth within a relationship, Kirshenbaum suggests encouraging and supporting each other's goals and aspirations. This may involve providing emotional support, offering constructive feedback, and creating an environment that promotes personal development. By prioritizing personal growth, individuals can enhance their own well-being and contribute to a more fulfilling relationship.

3. The Role of Communication

Communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, and Kirshenbaum highlights its importance in her book. She explains that effective communication is essential for resolving conflicts, expressing needs and desires, and building emotional intimacy.

To improve communication within a relationship, Kirshenbaum suggests practicing active listening, expressing oneself honestly and respectfully, and being open to feedback. She also emphasizes the importance of addressing issues as they arise, rather than letting them fester and create resentment. By prioritizing open and honest communication, individuals can foster a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

4. The Impact of Trust

Trust is a foundational element of any successful relationship, and Kirshenbaum explores its significance in her book. She explains that trust is built through consistent actions, honesty, and reliability. When trust is present, individuals feel secure, valued, and respected within the relationship.

To cultivate trust, Kirshenbaum suggests being reliable, keeping promises, and being transparent with one another. She also emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and understanding, as these contribute to rebuilding trust after a breach. By prioritizing trust, individuals can create a strong foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

5. The Power of Self-Reflection

Kirshenbaum encourages individuals to engage in self-reflection when evaluating their relationship. She explains that self-reflection allows individuals to gain insight into their own needs, desires, and values, which can inform their decision-making process.

To engage in self-reflection, Kirshenbaum suggests asking oneself important questions such as "What do I truly want in a relationship?" and "What are my non-negotiables?" By taking the time to reflect on these questions, individuals can gain clarity on their own needs and make more informed decisions about their relationship.

6. The Influence of External Factors

Kirshenbaum acknowledges that external factors can have a significant impact on a relationship. These factors can include financial stress, family dynamics, and societal pressures. She explains that it is important to consider these external factors when evaluating a relationship, as they can influence the overall happiness and satisfaction of both partners.

To navigate the influence of external factors, Kirshenbaum suggests open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed. By acknowledging and addressing the impact of external factors, individuals can work towards creating a relationship that is resilient and able to withstand external pressures.

7. The Significance of Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a crucial aspect of a fulfilling relationship, and Kirshenbaum emphasizes its importance in her book. She explains that emotional intimacy involves feeling safe, understood, and connected with one's partner.

To cultivate emotional intimacy, Kirshenbaum suggests engaging in activities that promote vulnerability and emotional connection, such as sharing fears and dreams, expressing gratitude, and engaging in deep conversations. By prioritizing emotional intimacy, individuals can create a deeper and more meaningful connection within their relationship.

8. The Need for Boundaries

Kirshenbaum highlights the importance of setting and maintaining boundaries within a relationship. Boundaries help individuals establish their own needs, desires, and limits, and they contribute to a sense of autonomy and self-respect.

To establish boundaries, Kirshenbaum suggests open and honest communication, expressing one's needs and limits, and being assertive when necessary. She also emphasizes the importance of respecting each other's boundaries and negotiating compromises when conflicts arise. By setting and maintaining boundaries, individuals can create a healthier and more balanced relationship.